


amor fati

by emergencyquad



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: M/M, i know i only post once every six months but im SLOW, idk if this concept even makes any sense, this is gonna be pretty long and pretty slow so bear with me here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-21 18:06:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17048051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emergencyquad/pseuds/emergencyquad
Summary: Yuzuru has not put much thought into dates, despite his parents having the same exact day, month, and year tattooed onto their skin in permanent, unfading ink. His mother’s is sketched roughly an inch above her collar bone, easily hidden by necklaces or for some occasions makeup, while his father’s is located on the inside of his wrist, perfectly concealed by a sensible watch or a pair of long gloves.orThe Yuzuvier Soulmate AU absolutely no one asked for.





	1. prologue - inhale, exhale

Yuzuru has not put much thought into dates, despite his parents having the same exact day, month, and year tattooed onto their skin in permanent, unfading ink. His mother’s is sketched roughly an inch above her collar bone, easily hidden by necklaces or for some occasions makeup, while his father’s is located on the inside of his wrist, perfectly concealed by a sensible watch or a pair of long gloves. 

When Yuzuru was young he had thought this was normal, that all the kids parents at school must have had matching tattoos of numbers he still couldn’t quite make sense of. That is until one day his friend looked at him with wide eyes and a mouth opened in surprise when he mentioned this fact. 

“Your parents have Dates?” 

“Dates? Well.. I guess those could be dates, couldn’t they?” 

“Yuzuru, you mean you really don't know the myths about perfect matches having identical tattoos? I thought it didn’t happen anymore, but… wow, I guess it might. I wouldn’t tell anyone else though. Some people get worked up over people claiming to be matches. Say, Yuzu, do your parents conceal their Dates when they go out in public?”

Yuzu nods his head yes, “Yeah, Mom is always wearing a necklace or makeup, and Dad wears a watch like its apart of his skin.” 

“Just like I thought.” The bell rang, signifying the end of recess along with the end of their conversation. 

Yuzuru now had a lot to think about. Later, when his mom was tucking him into bed, he dared to ask the question he’d withheld asking at the dinner table. But he was also 8 years old and lacked patience or tact. 

“Are you and dad really soulmates?” 

His mother looked at him, shocked, “Why are you asking that all of a sudden, Yuzuru?” 

“Well, some kid at school said the matching dates on yours and Father’s skin meant you were perfect matches.” 

“It’s true, we are by some standards considered to be soulmates.” She paused, like she was calculating what exactly she could say about this topic to an 8 year old. “Your father and I met on my 17th birthday, July 22nd, and ever since we first laid on eyes on each other that date has been etched onto both of our bodies. The next morning the date was tattooed in dark ink in this spot right here.” She moves her hair and shows him the markings, very tiny but still readable. “Finding each other wasn’t easy, though. And even wanting to find your father took me years to do.” 

“Why wouldn’t you want to find him? Isn’t he your soulmate?” 

“Well yes, Yuzuru. But it’s just.. not that simple.” 

“Why isn’t it that simple?” 

“Because the more you grow up, the more you care what people think of you. And I cared _way_ too much what others thought. You see, in today’s society Dates have been dismissed as being faked, or been seen as against nature or even _evil_. That’s why when the date appeared that next morning I tried everything I could to hide it and pretend it wasn’t there.” 

“But you and father are together.” 

“Yes, we are. Fate has a funny way of removing gravity from beneath your feet and then throwing you into the salty depths of the ocean, and that’s what it did for me and your father. I turned 22 and was sick of the curiosity of who else had this date tattooed on their skin. I thought about all the places I went on that day, but no matter what there were just too many faces I saw. I remember taking the subway downtown with my friends, going to a restaurant and then to karaoke. There were just too many people I saw that day and no logical way for me to find my match. By the time I was 26 and sick of being alone, I finally let my colleague and close friend set me up with a blind date.” 

Yuzuru gasps, but his mother continues on, a layer of nostalgia covering her eyes and a wispy smile on her lips. 

“He was a charming man, a man I could talk easily with and about anything, despite my shy and closed off nature. I agreed to go out with him a few more times and we got really close, and I eventually felt the need to be honest with him about what happened to me that day on my 17th birthday. About the date I had kept secret for so long.” 

She paused to finally look at Yuzuru, who was pretty much at the edge of his bed in rapt attention. “And then? And then what?” 

“But to my surprise, he took off the watch he always had on and in dark, black ink was my birthday.” 

“So they were the same person all along!” His mother chuckles fondly and runs a hand through his hair, ruffling it a little bit causing him to swat her away. 

“The rest you already know. We got married and had Saya and then you, but till this day no one else knows we have matching dates. Because we don’t need them to prove our love. We have you children as proof enough.” 

That night Yuzu dreamed of Dates carved into ice and hoped he wouldn’t have to live like his mom and dad, carrying a secret so large and so heavy, and worst of all, permanent. 

He still didn’t really think about Dates, and since his parents were the only people he’d ever seen with them he thought the probability of him ever getting one was pretty low. He much preferred thinking about the weight of shiny medals around his neck and the sharp cracks of a cleanly landed jump on freshly cleaned ice, anyway. 

Yuzuru wasn’t that interested in dating like the other boys in his class were and even his sister, who had a hockey player boyfriend who skated at their rink. He figured he’d find someone _after_ he’d won everything there was to win. He wanted to land a quad axel someday, surely there was no time for _dating_.


	2. part one - you try to run away, run away from the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Whatever you say, little Yuzu.” She ruffles his hair, something she knows for a fact he hates. He swats her hand away and pouts. “Just remember to keep your rivals close. You never know when they could just disappear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> buckle up, get a snack or a dinner, maybe even a drink - she's a long one

They were running late, which was very unusual for the Hanyu’s, who were by now used to traveling for Yuzuru’s competitions. But somehow they ended up rushing to the rink to make it to the morning practice for Yuzuru’s second ever senior grand prix event. It wasn’t Yuzuru’s first time in Russia, but it was his first time participating in a major competition here, and he was feeling the type of nerves that normally meant he’d be puking his guts out in the bathroom at some point that day. 

That point was right now, apparently, as he retched up the bento his mom packed for him that morning. He stumbled out of the stall, thankful that he had been alone but got startled when he saw a boy about his height washing his face in the sink. Yuzuru shuffled to the sink and hoped the other wouldn’t mention the screech he’d just let out. 

“Sorry I scare you. Are you nervous, too? I’m really nervous. And I do this all the time. But this season sucking for me. Nerves never go away, not really.” He chuckles and shakes his head, but Yuzuru just scrunches his eyebrows in confusion. “You’re from Japan right? Won junior worlds?” 

Yuzuru, in fact, had no idea what the other was saying, but managed to respond with “Yuzuru Hanyu. From Japan.” He then shakily bowed his head to the other and made to leave the bathroom, but of course ended up tripping over his own feet. He never was good at this whole walking on land thing. The other skater caught him by his shoulders, steadying him, and Yuzuru felt like throwing up again even though there was nothing left in his stomach. 

“A-ariga-t-thank you very much.” He successfully bolted out of the bathroom after that. 

Of course they were in the same warm up group, and of course the other, Javier Fernandez, the announcers called him, kept making eye contact with him and kind of laughing to himself. Not _really_ laughing, but there was this look in his eyes that Yuzuru knew meant he thought the whole bathroom situation was hilarious. Yuzuru was mortified, but no one would be able to tell with how many triple axels he landed in the warm up. Well, it was only a few, but they were huge and Yuzuru would like to think he saw a few of his competitors gasp and their coaches along with them. 

Despite the rough start to his morning, the rest of the day kept going and ended up being a great experience. He met a lot of other skaters, who were for the most part welcoming even though he was likely the youngest one competing that day. He saw Patrick Chan and how deep his edges were in real life took his breath away and gave him the desire to work even harder on his skating skills. 

Of course the media from Japan was there to ask him how he felt and how he was preparing for his second ever senior grand prix event. He was lucky to have Tatsuki there as well, to give some deep answer that took up way too much of the reporters time, and also to have someone to talk to that could actually understand him. 

Although Tatsuki seemed to be tuning him out at the moment, until he started on about what happened in the bathroom that morning. “You really tripped on nothing? Why am I not surprised.” 

“Hey! I actually don’t fall _that_ much. I just have… nervous legs.” 

“Oh, so he made you _nervous_.” 

“No, I was kinda already nervous puking in the bathroom, genius.” 

“Hm. Sounds fake but okay.” Tatsuki had left him confused by that statement, but Yuzuru wasn’t one to over analyze Tatsukis words. It only left him with a headache and some bizarre realization about himself, usually. So he just shook his head and then made the other listen to some music on his mp3 player with him. 

Yuzuru skated a clean short program, and ended up in sixth place. He figured that wasn’t bad for his first season, but next year he’d definitely be closer to the podium. Preferably on the top. 

Javier Fernandez skated a wreck of a short program, but somehow still managed to sell the character to the Russian audience. Yuzuru knew he wouldn’t be able to pull something like that off. Yeah, the others spins and jumps and even his steps weren’t perfect, but somehow it seemed no one in the stadium could keep their eyes off him. And it wasn’t just his flashy purple suit and neon green tie, it was the way he seemed to embody every movement and weave it into a seamless story carved into ice. Yuzuru felt he had started to lack that, hyper focusing on senior level jumps and technique, and silently vowed to himself to get it back. 

Patrick, to know ones real surprise, was leading after the short. Only one skater was between Fernandez and himself, and Tatsuki was down in 12th. His fellow Japanese didn’t seem that bothered by this, and told the reporters he would try his hardest to be his best self during the free. Yuzuru aspired to do the same, and went to bed as early as possible with a yearning hope to reach even the edge of the podium buried deep in his chest, and a tinge of embarrassment still left over when he let the scene from the bathroom run behind his eyelids once again. 

Yuzuru woke up with a start, a stinging pain near his collarbone and a sleepy daze still clouding his senses. His alarm went off moments later which meant it was time to get ready for the day. Later in the evening he’d be skating his free program, for sure his most difficult one yet, and if he wanted to land his quad toe and two triple axels he needed to stay focused. No throwing up in bathroom stalls and tripping over his own feet today, he vowed to himself as he finally got up to shower, rubbing at his collarbone and wondering why it was still stinging slightly. Maybe he’d slept on it wrong. He _was_ known to toss and turn in his sleep more than the average person. 

He didn’t notice it until after he’d finished his shower, was fully dressed, and finally trying to tame down the mess his hair was in. He looked in the mirror and did a double take. In tiny, fine black writing, right in the same spot his mother’s Date is in, was yesterday’s date. November 18, 2010. His first reaction is to let out a scream, and the second is to find his mother. Thankfully she’s already waiting outside his door for him, so he quickly opens the hotel room door and, without opening it more than a crack, drags her in. 

“Yuzuru what are you-” Her eyes somehow automatically find the date above his collarbone. Maybe it’s because hers is in the same spot, or maybe it’s just her motherly senses. To Yuzuru’s surprise, she doesn’t looked shocked. She doesn’t scream in surprise like he did. If he looks deep in her eyes he can see a bit of fear sparking up, but the soft smile on her face is keeping it at bay. 

This does not keep Yuzuru from panicking, however. 

“Mom, what do I do? I have to skate tonight, there’s going to be cameras and media and - Mom, why are you _laughing_ , this is serious!” His mom shuts him up by hugging him, some of the tension leaving his body despite his best efforts. 

“Honey, I’ve been hiding mine for over a decade. I’m sure I have some advice to give you.” 

“Oh. Right.” He’d somehow forgotten not everyone knew about his mother’s Date, since he’d been seeing it his whole fifteen years of life. “Wait, where are you going to now? Mom, we don’t have much time left!” They actually had plenty of time, but Yuzuru wouldn’t be satisfied without being at least thirty minutes early to practice. 

“Just follow me.” He followed her on wobbly legs. So much for not being nervous today. But his mother surely knew what she was doing, he reasoned to himself. If anything the date was going to be nice and hidden by tonights free skate, and hopefully forever. 

They got to her room and she pulled a box from her luggage. “I got this from a local shop, and it was supposed to be for your birthday next month, but, well.” It was a simple necklace with a small blue gemstone in the middle connected by thick black string. It fit his taste quite well, and as he took it from her hands the fabric felt smooth to the touch. “It’s supposed to bring good luck. And I guess it kind of already started doing its job.” She said as she eyes his Date. It’s weird to call it _his date_ , since he never imagined himself having one. He still wasn’t sure he even _wanted_ it, and wondered how one goes about removing it, because it was already proving to be too much of a distraction already. He definitely didn’t consider this to be _good luck_.

“Now, the necklace should cover some of it, but you are still going to want to use some makeup on days your clothes won’t guarantee coverage.” His head was spinning at the thought of having to apply _makeup_ everyday. He could barely remember to brush his hair everyday, which he still hasn’t done yet, actually. “Thank god we have the same skin tone.” 

As she went about showing him the proper way to conceal the Date, Yuzuru let his mind wonder a little bit. What did this mean for him? He hoped it wouldn’t have to mean anything. He still has a lot of goals to accomplish. He wants to win two Olympic gold medals, but first he needs to choose a coach abroad and amp up his training to that of one of the greats. Plushenko, Weir, they must not have had Dates, right? How could they have kept them hidden under the public eye? 

His mother must have sensed he was spiralling, because she grabbed his shoulder and squeezed. “Yuzuru, you know everything will be okay, right? I know it seems scary. The thought of everyone finding out.” She was right. It was the fear of his country finding out, more than anything else. “But you can get through this. _We_ can. I’m so glad you told me.” Yuzuru couldn’t imagine keeping this from her, if he was being honest. 

“Thank you, Mom. I do feel better now. I just.. Don’t want this to come between me and skating, you know?” 

She laughed and shook her head, “It won’t, Yuzu. I don’t think anything ever could.” 

Yuzuru smiled at that for the first time that day and said, “Speaking of skating, we should probably get going.” 

 

He tried not to think about the semi life changing event from that morning in the hours until the free, but he couldn’t help his mind from wandering off. Who that he met yesterday could have the matching Date? He let himself ask this question for the first time. Surely, he met too many people yesterday to even start to sort through them. He took a plane ride, then hopped on the train, then was in a rink with maybe hundreds of people in it. It was between nearly a thousand or more candidates and he physically would never be able to figure it out. 

Yuzuru didn’t really mind not knowing, though. He was almost more content with it being a completely unknown, anonymous face among the crowd. Less distractions meant more concentration, exactly what he needed for tonight's skate. 

Obviously he needed much more concentration, he thought as he tripped and fell to his knees in the step sequence. He really did need to work harder. The quad he had landed at NHK evaded him here, but at least he landed it as a triple instead. The two triple axels and plethora of other triples were landed but not without some effort that he mostly felt in his knees. By the end of the program he was spent and still in sixth place. Well, at least he was consistent. 

By some surprising turn of events, Patrick was knocked down to second place by Tomáš Verner, with America’s Jeremy Abbott in third. When all was said and done Yuzuru was seventh overall, Tatsuki doing better in his free then short but still in eleventh place. Javier Fernandez skated a very interesting Pirates of the Caribbean free skate, where he portrayed a pretty convincing drunken pirate. At least the character made his falls and stumbles in the footwork seem intentional, unlike Yuzuru’s own fall. 

Yuzuru left Russia early the next day with no grand prix final qualification, a list of things he needed to improve on, and a secret permanently tattooed to his skin in unfading black ink. 

 

Everything else seemed to fade away and nothing seemed to matter in comparison to survival when the rink he’d skated on for years started to shake and crumble beneath his skates. Just a month ago, when he’d thought four continents was the most important thing in the universe, seems like eons ago. Now he had to wonder if his family was okay, wonder what exactly tomorrow was going to bring or if tomorrow was even going to come. 

Tomorrow did come, but tomorrow wasn’t anything like the day before it. The day before it they had a home to go back to, a family to go back to, and a knowledge of what the day was going to bring. Today was panic and dread, it was questioning their existence and if this even was their existence, that’s how questioning it was. 

He can’t remember exact details of those three days in evacuation, months in repair. He remembers sharing two sleeping matts with his parents and sister, and splitting two onigiri between the four of them. _Yuzu still needs to grow,_ would be said in a matter of fact tone as the onigiri of the largest size was placed in his hands. _This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted_ , would run through his head as he ate it at a regretfully fast speed. 

But the only thing he remembers clear as day, almost like it was yesterday, were the blindingly bright stars in the sky that made them feel like they weren’t actually alone in this world, like they weren’t completely secluded in an alternate universe. 

Now, as he was picking up the pieces inside himself that got damaged that day by traveling the country performing in dozens of shows, he put his whole heart out on his sleeve to get frozen and scratched up by the cold, hard ice that made him feel complete again in some odd, sickening way. Did Yuzuru even deserve to leave this country that rattled and shook him to his very core, then coddled him and cheered for him in the coming months after? 

He decides to wait another season before moving onto a Russian coach like he’d planned to before. It’s not like they can realistically afford it now, either, which was part of the reason he’d been allowed to do all these shows. Not only did they give him a decent amount of money for a 16 year old, they also gave him time to perfect his programs in a very free way. 

This is the first year Yuzuru felt both his programs deep down in the marrow of his bones, his blood thrumming in his veins to the beat of both songs. He’d felt the need to become apart of the choreography this season, and tells Natalia, the Russian ice dancer that is helping Coach Nanami choreograph, that he wants people affected by the disaster to feel the before, during, and after in each jump, spin, and step. She looks at him with pity and then with understanding. 

“You’re a very mature boy, Yuzuru. You will go far with skating. Farther than you can even imagine, especially if you don’t run from fate when it tries to catch you.” Yuzuru bows his head deeply at that, but does feel confused by the others statement, and the way she had seemed to stare through him. He tells himself it was simply lost in translation, even though her piercing eyes in that moment left shivers running down his spine. 

The first time he performs his short program, his nose and eyes burn and he hopes that if anyone from his hometown is watching they can feel it too. His jumps are landed almost perfectly, his triple axel like a huge wave and his spins like the wind whipping through rubble. Even Coach Nanami looks misty eyed waiting for him at the boards, knowing how much he put into this program to make it something everyone can feel with him. It was hard for her, too. She lost the rink she had basically lived at and almost lost one of her best students to suffocating guilt. 

Yuzuru thinks fate favors them both a ton but also plays with them far too much and far too often, as he stands on the top of the podium at Nebelhorn Trophy, and then fails to medal at Cup of China a few months later. 

His goal this season was to do anything he could for his country that was in shambles, and his only way to do any tiny amount was to try and qualify for one of the biggest events of the season: the Grand Prix Final. He did feel a sense of guilt being able to skate still while others could barely even live. So if he was going to be selfishly skating, he needed to do his absolute best. 

Making it to the GPF last season felt like a far off dream, but somehow this season it was a _must_. Each night on the ice show tours as he did the closing pose to his long program, a pose which symbolized dying just like young Romeo had, he saw the audience like stars in the sky and had vowed to do his very best. 

So that’s what he was hyper focused on doing this year at Rostelecom Cup, a sharp look in his eyes and intense aura leaking from his frame as he got ready for the short program. He was prepared to leave it all out there, to throw everything he had into each and every element like he’d been doing at the ice shows over the summer. He was no longer nervous puking in bathrooms and stumbling into Spanish skaters. He now turned that nervousness into steel that lined his veins. He got fourth in Cup of China, so winning really was the only option here. 

Skating felt different this year, as well. It felt like a weight on his shoulders and a thrumming in his core. It now wasn’t just about himself anymore. But the pressure helped him, not hindered, at least he thought, as he got second in the short program. It wasn’t first, but it was four places higher than last year. If he can keep it together for the free, there’s a huge percentage of chance he could win.

Yuzuru does notice something that kind of surprised him, if he’s being honest. Javier Fernandez gets fourth in the short program, and has a new coach with him at the boards and in the kiss & cry. He seems happier, Yuzuru notes, as Brian Orser says he’s proud of him and gives him a warm hug. Last year, Yuzuru vaguely remembers Morozov, the Spaniard’s previous coach, acting cold and almost disappointed in him, and it made Yuzuru uncomfortable as he watched. 

Maybe it’s because Brian is a two time Olympic silver medalist himself, or maybe it’s from his experience at coaching an Olympic gold medalist, but it seems like coaching is truly his calling. 

“Hey, Yuzuru! I saw you got second in the short program, congrats!” Yuzuru is startled out of his thoughts by the skater he’d just been thinking about, ironically. Yuzu still doesn’t have a full grasp on English, despite the mandatory classes he still takes at school. He thinks the other is congratulating him, and he can for sure pick out the words _short program_. 

“Thank you. Surprise you get fourth.” 

“Surprised? Wow, ouch.” 

“Well, you do worse last time.” 

“I could say same for you. Plus, don’t discredit me quite yet. I could overtake you with the free, afterall. It is a two part competition.” 

“Hm. Bet I can beat you in free too, Fernandez.” Yuzuru said, but the way he struggled saying the others name kind of took some of the edge off, if the others smile was anything to go by. 

“Alright, let’s bet. What do you want out of this?” Yuzuru didn’t really have anything he needed, but there was one thing he was quite curious about.

“If I win, you tell me why you switch coaches.” 

“Oh, okay.” Javier seems shocked and a bit relieved. “If I win…” He pretends to think long and hard about it, and then says, “well, how about I tell you once I win tomorrow.” 

Yuzuru scoffs at that, “ _Baka_.” 

“Don’t call me that.” 

“Idiot.” Javier actually really, truly laughs, and it’s one of those types of laughs that uses the whole entire body frame and shows almost all of his teeth. Yuzuru thinks he really looks nice like this, almost like he’s glowing or something. It’s strange, but he somehow can’t remove his eyes from the sight. 

“We’ll see if you’ll still be saying that by tomorrow. Oh, and you can just call me _Javi_ , if you want. It’s easier than Fernandez.” 

Yuzuru bows his head slightly at the other as they part ways, a confusing feeling rising up within him along with a little bit of a pink dusting his cheeks. He would think they would be more likely to be enemies, but despite them making competitive bets over who would win, Yuzuru felt more excited and motivated then the urgent, angry feelings he assumes a stone cold rival would have given him. Strange, but Yuzuru tried not to think about it too much. 

He needed to concentrate on skating and only skating, if he wanted to do well during the free tomorrow. 

“Wow, Yuzu, you made a _friend_? And with a _foreigner_? I’m so proud of you!” He flinched in surprise at his Japanese teammate’s voice, who seemed to have popped up out of nowhere. Even though Tatsuki wasn’t there to taunt him in some underhanded way, Mao seemed happy to be there to take over. 

“He’s not- he’s not my _friend_.” 

“Hm. You kids sure seemed friendly, both smiling and laughing. And did he just tell you to call him ‘Javi’?” 

“We were just coming to an… agreement. A bet over who would win tomorrow. A-And everyone calls him that! If we are anything at all, we are rivals.” 

“Oh, I know all about rivalries, and that didn’t exactly look like one.” Yuzuru supposes she’s talking about Yuna, although Yuzuru thinks back to the longing looks they give each other, paired with Mao’s distant stares and lack of passion now that Yuna is absent from competition, and decides her rivalry is even more faulty then his. Normally he might taunt her with this but he decides not to mention it. It’s too soon considering all that happened last year. “Javier may actually have a chance, you know. He’s been close to landing both the quads in his program.” 

Yuzuru rolls his eyes, but of course he knows. He saw his attempts in person at Nebelhorn Trophy and he couldn’t help but study the other skaters quad salchow that looked like a dream when he landed it with a _shoo-paa_. “Yeah, if he can land those, let alone his triple axel. And have you seen his spins? Barely any variety there.” Yuzuru doesn’t even sound convincing to his own ears, and by the look on Mao’s face she’s not buying it either. 

“Whatever you say, little Yuzu.” She ruffles his hair, something she knows for a fact he hates. He swats her hand away and pouts. “Just remember to keep your rivals close. You never know when they could just disappear.” 

_Keep your rivals close_ , Mao had said. He ponders this while the last group wraps up the 6 minute warm up before the free skate starts. Had she regretted pushing Yuna away all those years, only to have her pulled away so abruptly? Yuzuru knows Yuna will come back probably before the next Olympics, but thinks Mao has her doubts. 

He doesn’t think about them too much, though, because he can feel the start of a cold creeping up his throat and tightening his lungs, but decides if he ignores it enough he might be able to fight through it. It’s embarrassing how much he keeps stopping to blow his nose and cough during the warm up, but he keeps skating with the most confidence he can muster with his shaky legs. 

Javier is about to skate, and Yuzuru watches in rapt attention even though he normally wouldn’t in fear of losing his own concentration. But he’s honestly curious, so he lets himself get into the others program. Even though they are supposed to be having a personal competition against each other, for some reason he still wants to see Javier land his quad salchow as well as he’d done during Nebelhorn. 

And he does just that, along with the quad toe and all of his other jumps, as well. Yuzuru is basically holding his breath the whole time, not so much worried about his own ability but honestly and genuinely impressed with the other’s performance. 

He thinks briefly that if he lost to this he might be able to accept it. 

It’s finally Yuzuru’s turn, and he blows his nose one last time and hopes he can get himself together. He tries to think of the meaning this program has to him rather then the points he must gain in order to win. He for once isn’t calculating in his head, but instead putting his everything into every step and turn of his blades across the ice. 

The jumping passes come easily, despite the step-out on the quad toe. Yuzuru doesn’t let this ruin the program, though, and he must put too much of his emotion in, because he nearly face plants into the ice on one of the sharp turns of Coach Namami’s dynamic choreography. He only lets this frustrate him for a moment before finishing his program off with a triple salchow and a biellmann spin. 

Although he did not beat Javier in the free skate, he comes in first place overall because of the lead he had in the short program. He, surprisingly, isn’t as upset as he usually would be, what with how well Javier’s skate had captured his attention. Despite this, he is a little nervous to hear what Javier’s wish could be. 

The medal ceremony goes by in a blur since all he can feel is the pounding in his head and the burn in his throat and nose. He does remember the firm handshake and shiny smile Javier had given him as Yuzuru had looked up at him before he quite literally leaped onto the first place podium, despite how unbearably terrible he felt. It hasn’t even sunken in that he had reached his goal of winning here and in turn qualifying for the Grand Prix Final, since all he can think about is going to sleep for preferably three whole days. But now, as he looked at the Japanese flag hanging high in the stadium to the sound of his national anthem, he lets himself feel proud. 

But there is still the press conference, and he becomes thankful that both Javier and Jeremy talk quite a lot, since he has to take a drink from his fur and rhinestone covered water bottle everytime he tries to speak. 

He’s completely zoned out until Javier says something that surprises him, so much that he thinks he must have misunderstood, which probably was the case, considering he can't understand much of what’s going on anyway. His English comprehension isn’t the best on most days, let alone when his head feels like this. 

“I think Yuzuru did a really good job and I’m very happy that he is in first. To win a competition like this at such a young age, it’s very impressive.” They meet eyes over Yuzuru’s translator, and he can’t believe someone who beat him in the free skate only to get second overall can be so genuinely happy for their competitor. “So congratulations, you did a really good job.” 

The rest of the press conference continues in another hazy fog for Yuzuru, but he does remember Javier complimenting him a few more times along with his coach, Brian Orser, who takes Javier’s jokes well and smiles wide when his student compares him to a father-like-figure. Somehow, Yuzuru smiles at this despite how tired his muscles are.

Javier finds him in the locker room, after he’d taken probably the warmest shower in his entire life to try and get even a little bit warm, then bundled up in all the JSF jackets he had with him. 

“Hey! Yuzuru! Earth to Yuzu!” The other jolted out of whatever universe he was in at the other’s use of his nickname. “Is it alright, if I call you that? I heard Mao call you that before, and it _is_ kind of easier for me to say, but if it makes you uncomfortable-” 

“It okay. I like Yuzu most.” _Usually only my closest friends call me that_ , he thinks, but doesn’t say out loud. And it’s not just because he doesn’t know how, and maybe has to do with the way Javier finally relaxes and smiles that wide smile of his. “Well? What you want? You beat me in free skate.” 

Javier kind of shakes his head, and then reaches behind to his red and yellow backpack for the canister he has in the side pocket. “I want you to drink this. It’s special tea I always bring with me to competitions in case I get sick. My mom actually makes it in bulk for me every season, since I don’t have her with me in Toronto.” Yuzuru couldn’t imagine that, not having his mom. 

“T-Thank you?” He takes the tea that Javier must have warmed up with shaky hands. “But, you not answer me. What is Javier’s wish?” 

“That you drink that, and feel better, so that someday you can teach me your triple axel technique.” 

“Hmm.. That is secret, but you do beat me in free skate, so I guess okay.” Yuzuru bows his head and attempts to leave before the other grabs hold of his arm. 

“Wait, your question, I will still answer it for you.” Yuzuru brightens up at that, because he was honestly curious. Javier did have one of the most renowned coaches before moving to Brian, and although Yuzuru can see the progress he’s made, it _was_ a huge risk for him to take. “But I must ask you something first. Why do you want to know? It seems odd for you to be asking.” 

“Javier have barely any consistently for many seasons, although when quads landed they very good.” Javier’s face turns from annoyed to pleased within seconds. Yuzuru continues, “But this season, have two quads in free skate and one in short almost no problem. I need know what happen and why you leave coach, and how you choose coach to go.” 

For some reason, he can’t stop talking, and feels like he can tell the Spanish skater he barely knows this next part, something he’s been too afraid to tell even his mom or coach. “I-I need to leave Japan. It… It hurt, seeing all damage, not being able to help or even be best in world at competition, for hometown. I need to win Olympics. I think not be able to if stay in Japan.” 

He didn’t even notice he was slightly tearing up until Javier puts a warm hand on his shoulder and he jolts back to reality, but still doesn’t flinch at the other’s touch. “While I don’t feel or can even begin to feel what you’ve been through with the disaster, I can tell you what it’s like to be your country’s only hope. It feels lonely. Maybe that’s the answer to your question of why I switched coaches. It was lonely and isolating, having a coach that treats you with coldness. Somehow, right away with Brian I could tell it wasn’t going to be like that. But now it’s even better than I could have hoped. He is like the father figure that I left back home when I was seventeen, but also a friend and someone who truly believes in me. And it’s not just him that gave me the two quads you keep talking about, but the whole Toronto Cricket Club.” 

“I am glad you switch coach.” He does mean it, even if it molded Javier into an even fiercer competitor for him. “You much better and happier this year then last.” 

“Thank you, Yuzu.” Yuzu coming from the others mouth sounds oddly familiar and warm. “And you… you seem more intense this year, but not in a bad way. Let’s see what you can do at GPF and Worlds, kid.” 

“Hey! I beat you today, no call me _kid_.” 

“Whatever, Yuzu.” Yuzuru tries to stay mad but ends up breaking into a smile. They wave goodbye and Javier leaves the locker room. It’s not until the other is long gone that he notices the now lukewarm canister has a note taped to it. 

To Yuzuru’s amazement, it reads _Hope you feel better! You are always welcome at the Cricket Club, if you decide not to go to Russia. Toronto is a very peaceful place, I think it might suit you :)_

 

The note plagues him the next few weeks before the GPF. He thinks Javier must be joking, they couldn’t possibly share the same coach while being in fierce competition with each other, right? It would make them hate each other, like Yagudin and Plushenko. But maybe what they need to move beyond everyone else is a rival to skate with everyday. _Keep your rivals close,_ is what Mao had said to him that same day, and Yuzuru can’t help but want to follow that advice. 

He remembers to pack Javier’s canister with him to Quebec, where he hopes he has a chance to return it to him. He carefully writes out a _“Thank You”_ in English on one of the light blue sticky notes he uses for studying and places it on the surface of the canister. 

Yuzuru is still recovering from what turned out to be the flu, but he makes sure to pack all of his inhalers, medications, and an ace bandage for his ankle that has been bothering him after a few nasty falls on the quad toe in practices this week. 

He felt like he had something he needed to prove at the GPF, considering how he got there on such shaky terms. His placement at Cup of China is still haunting him most nights, and he picks apart his skates at both competitions nightly to remind himself not to get lazy and to always remember he has so much to improve on. 

He also takes to watching other skaters online. Daisuke, Patrick, and lately Javier. He covets Daisuke and Patrick for their smooth skating skills and passionate interpretations, promising himself that one day soon he will be just as great. He basically drools over Javier’s quad salchow, and finds himself doing research on both the Spanish skater and his legend of a coach, Brian Orser. They have similar demeanors when skating, and Yuzuru lets himself wonder what it would be like to be around the both of them everyday. 

The competition is rough, to say the least. He steps out of the same jump in the short program that he’s been hurting himself trying to master all week - the quad toe. It sucks, not being able to convey how much he’s been working at it in one of the most important competitions of the season. 

He feels better after the free, even ecstatic, he might say, thinking he may have even a sliver of a chance at medalling. It’s the best he’s done in the free all season, just a step out of the triple salchow at the very end that will surely plague him, especially after the results are in and he finishes fourth. 

Patrick, Daisuke, and Javier are the finalists, and Yuzuru feels an urgent need to practice. He’d stayed up late one too many nights watching his main three rivals skates, and now he knows for sure they are the ones to beat, as if he didn’t know before. 

He makes a vow to himself to showcase everything he is capable of during Worlds, that is if he can manage to even qualify. With the way his one quad is treating him lately, his mind is becoming polluted with self doubt. Not to mention the fact that there is a pretty dense handful of Japanese men that all have a chance at one of the three spots given to the Japanese men at the World’s in Nice next year. 

He almost forgets about the canister he had stuffed next to his Pooh tissue case in his duffel bag until it fell out as he was getting dressed for gala practice. He really wasn’t in the mood to talk to Javier, what with the other finishing in third and him just off the podium. Although Yuzuru did score higher in the free, the other actually landed all of his jumps in his short program and now has a medal to show for it. 

But he does feel a sense of guilt at having Javier’s item still, and he knows that he can’t carry it around with him until World’s, or if he will even qualify. But the other hadn’t even said to return it, let alone when or where.

His Mother had said to meet her in the hotel lobby in ten minutes and that was twenty minutes ago. His time was wasted contemplating on if he should bring the canister, along with the note on the canister - if it was weird of him to have written a note back, if his handwriting looked too ugly, and even if the placement of the note looked strange. After taking it off, moving it, and then finally realizing how much time he had wasted on this very strange dilemma he tucked it under his arm and basically sprinted to the elevator. 

And running right into, ironically and quite pitifully, the owner of the object causing so much inner turmoil for the Japanese skater. 

“ _Kuso!_ ” 

“Woah there, kid, why are you in such a rush?” Javier says, grabbing him by his shoulders and putting him back into an upright position. “Gala practice isn’t for another forty five minutes.” 

“Mom, wait in lobby. Late.” The other just nods and presses the button he’d been too out of it to notice neither of them had pressed until now. “T-Thank you.” 

“Seems like I am always there to catch you. You should stop spending so much time on the ice or you’re going to forget how to walk completely.” 

“Ah, you do not forget.” Yuzuru had honestly hoped he had forgotten the first day they’d met, Yuzuru has definitely tried yet ultimately failed in the end. It was simply too scarring of a moment. He didn’t like others to see him that weak and pitiful, let alone one of his main competitors. 

They step into the elevator that has finally arrived, and Yuzuru has the presence of mind to press the floor he’s guessing they both need to go to, then admits something he normally wouldn’t. “I still feel embarrass.” 

“At your inability to walk, or the stuff that happened when you thought you were alone? If it’s the second, don’t feel bad. It happens. To me specifically, a lot.” 

“R-Really?” It did kind of surprise Yuzuru. The other seemed pretty calm and laid back most of the time, even when Yuzuru had seen him in warm ups. But when he remembers back to that day, he thinks he recalls him rambling about how he felt nervous and how white his face was. “But Javi seem.. Less nervous, this season.” 

Javier thinks about this for a moment. The elevator goes down two more flights by the time he answers. “I am less nervous. I think it has to do with my environment. When I was training with Morozov, it felt suffocating. Like I had to win him over, somehow. He liked to.. Pick favorites, you could call it, and I definitely wasn’t his.” 

“He sound not very nice.” Yuzuru pouts. “I like Mr. Orser better.” 

“Mr. Orser? Jesus, he’d have a heart attack if you called him that!” The other laughs so hard Yuzuru wonders if he is even able to breathe, and then the elevator dings to alert them they’ve arrived at the lobby. Javier is still laughing, and now Yuzuru thinks he is a little bit, as well. 

He sees his Mom looking at him strangely from where she is at the front desk, probably about to tell the clerk to call his room because of how uncharacteristically late he is, and suddenly remembers the reason he was late clutched under his arm. 

“Oh! I almost forget! I wash this and bring with me back.” Javier looks confused until he must finally realize. 

“Oh, Yuzu, you didn’t have-” He must realize how hesitant Yuzuru looked and sounded, because he stops and smiles comfortingly. “Thanks, Yuzu. Did the tea help at all?” 

Yuzuru nods probably too enthusiastically. But Javier’s smile doesn’t falter. “Yes! It soothe throat a lot. Mom surprised when voice not completely gone next day. Usually get really sick, sometimes even stop practice.” 

“Well, I’m glad. Don’t forget your side of the deal, by the way.” Javier winks and Yuzuru swears he doesn’t blush and that it’s just the cold breeze that blew in from the front door of the hotel door opening, or something. “Yuzuru, you better go talk to your mom. She really doesn’t look too happy.” He points to the front desk, where his mom surely doesn’t look too happy. 

“Thank you. Again. Feel like I thank Javi too much, but really mean it.” 

“Of course, Yuzu. See you at the gala.” 

His mom wasn’t that mad, and he thinks it has to do with the fact that he was actually having a conversation with a friend. Or so she thinks. He doesn’t know if he can call the relationship they have a friendship, or just some series of chance meetings. 

 

Yuzuru doesn’t have a ton of time to wallow in anger at himself for his performance at the GPF before it’s time for the Japanese nationals. Somehow, he is way more nervous then he was at any other competition this season. He feels like he has something to prove. Last year, he had gotten so close to medalling and making it to Worlds, and this year he had made it his goal to place as high as he was capable of. 

He only almost throws up in the bathroom when he runs into Tatsuki, who looks white as a ghost. He asks the obvious question, “Are you nervous, too?” 

“Why, do I look nervous? You look terrible. Oh no, you didn’t just puke in there did you?” 

Yuzuru laughs and actually feels some of his nerves dissipate. “No, not this time. And yes, you do look nervous. You don’t have to be, you won’t be able to beat me anyway, so there’s really nothing to worry about.” 

“That’s really no way to talk to your elders, little Yuzu.” Yuzuru glares at him. He hates that all of his Japanese teammates call him that. He guesses that’s the price he has to pay for being one of the youngest on the senior circuit. “I never did get to say congratulations on making it to the GPF though. I knew you were going to do it.” 

Despite his confidence earlier, he still feels shy when Tatsuki compliments him like that. He shakes his head and looks at the floor. “I still need to improve.” 

“Well, don’t we all. Anyway good luck tonight, Yuzu. You really should stop spending so much time in bathrooms. Wouldn’t want to fall into anymore Spanish skaters or anything.” 

“Oh god, why does everyone keep bringing that up lately?” 

 

As much bravado as he’d had in the bathroom earlier towards Tatsuki, they were basically tied for fourth place after the short program. Yuzuru is unimpressed, to say the least. In fact, he is incredibly angry at himself for not landing the quad toe. He feels hopeless, almost. People like Javier have two consistent quads and he can’t even land one?

“It’s okay, Yuzuru, you can make up those points easily if you skate a clean free.” Coach Nanami tells him, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. But she is right. All he can do now is his very best tomorrow. And then he will start picking apart all the reasons he hasn’t had a successful short for two consecutive competitions. 

He is happy for his teammate Kanako, who got first in the short program. He tells her this, and she says something that surprises him. “I wish I wouldn’t have. I’d much rather be in your shoes. Having a good short to live up to is too much pressure for me, I can already feel myself messing up the free.” 

She places sixth in the free and third overall, but seems happy with her results. 

This kind of gives him a different perspective. It’s almost like he’s got nothing to lose, down in fourth place, looking up at the three skaters above him and thinking of them as only a few landed triple axels in points away. 

He can do this. 

And he does. He puts an extra double toe on the end of his triple axel combination and hears the crowd gasp, still in shock over the quad toe landing he’d saved with raw willpower followed by his first huge triple axel. After a very intense step sequence, he isn’t surprised when he singles his triple salchow, and is in fact thankful he didn’t fall on his face. He thinks his legs are going to give out before he can finish his last spin, but he thinks of homes in shambles and the families being torn to shreds by huge waves and powers his way through. 

He gets _first_ in the free skate, and he really can’t believe it. He has no one to thank but the people who have given all of their support to him. 

“I knew there would come a day soon where you would beat me. I just didn’t think it would be this soon.” Daisuke says to him before the medal ceremony, and Yuzuru looks at him like he’s crazy. 

“But I didn’t. I didn’t beat you, I didn’t even come close. Free placement doesn’t count. A win is a win, and you’re the one with a gold medal about to be put around your neck.” 

“You’re way too naive, little Yuzu.” 

Yuzuru doesn’t get to ask what he could possibly mean by that, because the medal ceremony is starting. They call out _bronze medalist, Hanyu Yuzuru_ , and although he skates out with a fist pump and a blinding smile, he thinks he’d like to be the last one called out next year. 

 

“What could you have to talk to me about that’s so serious?” It was odd for his coach to request an off ice meeting like this with him, especially with the limited ice-time they had for practice and with his first world championships coming up. “You’re not quitting, are you?” 

Nanami shook her head and laughed, but he could see the hesitation on her face. “You have to know, Yuzuru, that you have become too good for me to coach you anymore. I know you’ve been thinking about going abroad, and I strongly recommend it. Your mother and I have set up a meeting with JSF. And it’s up to you. I can give you a list of people I think will be good for you, but you are the one who needs to choose your fate, in the end.“ 

He really doesn’t want to cry. It’s not like he hasn’t been thinking about this for the past two seasons, but it’s still _Nanami_ \- the woman that helped raise him, basically. He lets a few tears fall, but his voice isn’t shaky when he speaks. “Okay.” He has so much more he wants to say, but when he finally looks her in the eyes, he thinks she knows how he feels. 

He takes the list from her hands and gives her a hug. “Thank you.” And he doesn't just mean for the list, he means for everything. 

The next day during free study period at school he skims through the list, but knows he won’t choose any of the mostly Russian names. He wants to be national champion next year, and in order to do it, he wants two consistent quads. He thinks far enough ahead to the Olympics, a seemingly very far off and mystical event, but knows who he needs to go to in order to feel a tangible gold medal in his hands. 

 

“Brian Orser.” The members of JSF present do have shocked looks on their faces, but they nod their heads anyway. 

“You’re sure?” He nods his head yes with confidence, and his mom, sitting silently in the seat next to him, looks proud of him for talking for himself like this. “We will draft an email and send it. We most likely won’t hear back till after Worlds.” 

“I understand.” He bows his head and that’s the end of it, he really might have a new coach next season, in a country he’s unfamiliar with, speaking a language that isn’t his native one, with barely anyone he knows. He is scared, but not enough to stop him from hypothetically flying across oceans and continents. 

His mother had been surprised when he’d finally made up his mind to tell her, but said she felt like this could work. Canada felt like it could be their fate, she had said. Yuzuru already felt guilty about her coming with him. She’d be away from her husband and daughter. Then he remembered his parents matching dates and seemingly unbreakable bond, and figured nothing could ever really separate them. 

He has a moment where he remembers his own tattoo, that he often forgets he even has, despite the fact he has to make an effort to cover it every single day. He barely ever thinks about it, but briefly wonders what the other receiver of the date _November 18, 2010_ , is doing. 

It’s absolutely crazy that it has now been over a year of him having the marking. Even though he forgets it’s there sometimes, it’s something that has felt like he has had forever. It’s like he’s always had this secret that presses weight to his chest, and maybe he always did, in some sort of way, buried somewhere deep below his ribcage. The difference is that now there is a physical reminder of it. 

Maybe Canada was one step further away from his fate, or maybe it could be the opposite, and he was running towards it. Yuzuru wouldn’t know until it happened. 

This was all hypothetical, of course. Brian Orser hadn’t even met with them yet afterall. 

 

_This wasn’t only my power,_ keeps ringing through his head, a hand pointing upwards to the sky without him even noticing. It was his way of sending his gratitude to everyone who believed that he was some beacon of hope during the darkest of times, even though he couldn’t imagine himself as being such a symbol.

Tears were streaming down his cheeks when the raw reality of what he’d just done has sunk in. He’d come into this in seventh place, with a busted ankle and a faltering self confidence, but decided in his shaky mind that he had to do everything he possibly could, even if it meant he’d die doing it. 

For Sendai, for his coach, for his mom who was willing to move her entire life across the world for _this_. For him floating and flying on ice with a panel of judges and a room full of spectators watching. 

But he didn’t feel like dying now, despite the sobs threatening to escape him as he embraced his coach, who was also failing at holding back hot tears. Nanami, who’d been there for all of his temper tantrums, who knew when to scold him and when to let him jump and jump and _jump_ , till he completely mastered whatever he was tackling, and she had mastered the art of bandaging him up afterwards. 

They had reached their end, but for Yuzuru, this was the start of a new beginning. 

When he stood next to Daisuke and Patrick on the largest podium he’d ever been on, he bled happiness. This was the stuff of his dreams. These were the skaters he’d spent his nights studying when he should’ve been doing his school work. They both seemed amused by how excited he was, but he couldn’t help it - he finally felt as if he had achieved something this season. 

After the medal ceremony, right before the press conference and small medal ceremony where he was going to receive his silver medal for his placement in the free skate, he finally had a chance to ask Daisuke what he had meant during nationals. He definitely didn’t feel naive, like the other had called him. 

“You won over the crowd, Yuzuru. Tonight, as well. You have a raw talent that I couldn’t even come close to at seventeen.” He ruffles his hair. Yuzuru pouts but doesn’t swat his hand away, for once. “But that doesn’t mean you are better than me, kid. At least not yet. I still have a few more years on you, after all.” 

“Of course, old man.” Yuzuru giggles one of his high pitched giggles, and sort of understands what the other means. But in his eyes, he hasn’t won over the crowd completely, not quite yet. And Daisuke still seems light years ahead of him, even though Yuzuru did technically beat him in the free skate by the most miniscule of points. 

 

Yuzuru is still in a good mood during gala practice, talking and laughing with all of team Japan. He congratulates Akiko on medalling and Kanako on finishing in the top five, and does an impromptu ice dance with Mao in an attempt to lift her mood. She’d finished in sixth and on top of that was still in shock over her mother. 

He couldn’t even imagine, or even want to imagine, what she must be going through this season. For her to still laugh with him made his smile grow even brighter. He let her mess with him as much as she wanted, and Yuzuru thinks she knows, but that doesn’t stop the _little Yuzu’s_ and multiple hair ruffles. 

His mood doesn’t deflate until he sees Javier, skating in circles and looking a little lost in thought. He musters up all the fake courage he has and skates towards him, nudging him on the shoulder. “Hey, Javi.” 

Javier smiles at him, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes like normal. “Yuzu. Congratulations on meadaling. I saw your free skate, it was amazing. For sure the best you’ve done it all season.” 

“I really, really wish I could say same to Javi.” He says, and hopes it doesn’t come off as rude, but he means exactly what he said. He knows Javier can do better. He’d proved it multiple times this season. Javier looks on the verge of offended, but seems to understand after a few moments of processing.

“Thanks, Yuzu. But I thought you would be happy to beat me?” 

“I only happy beating you when Javi skate absolute best. Then it will really count.” 

“Then how about we come to an agreement. From now on, we try to share a podium at every competition we are at together.” 

“Sound good. Of course, I be in first, though. Must shake on it.” That they do, and now, when Javier smiles it reaches his eyes. 

When they shake hands, his eyes must deceive him because he swears he sees tiny black text peeking out from under his gloves. It’s pretty dark in here since they are testing out the gala lights and Javier’s gloves are also black. 

He is most likely completely imagining things. 

Yuzuru does have this bad habit of trying to find people’s hidden dates. This is either because he is always worried about someone seeing his, or because he does wonder sometimes if he will ever meet anyone else who has been marked by fate. He hasn’t come across anyone yet, but if he did, he wants to ask them if they too ever feel like they are running away from something at the speed of light. 

Yuzuru’s thoughts are quickly interrupted by a yell from the gala finale choreographer, who seems exasperated at the skaters lack of attention. They both attempt at hiding their laughter but only laugh harder when they accidentally meet each others knowing gazes. 

They finish the practice side by side, skates almost in sync, and he would be lying if he didn’t glance at the other’s wrists a couple more times, just to make sure. 

He doesn’t see anything.

 

Yuzuru finally hears back from the JSF regarding Brian Orser a few weeks after Worlds. It's understandable, considering how busy everyone in the skating world is during the season. Brian wants to meet with him before deciding anything, so they set up a meeting in one of the hotel office rooms JSF often uses for meetings. 

He is nervous about meeting the legendary man, but knows he needs this. He hadn’t even made a backup plan. Yuzuru wasn’t really a back-up plan kind of person. If he made up his mind to do something he would do everything in his power to achieve it before forming another option in his mind. He guesses that’s why he hadn’t quit figure skating when he was young, despite how much he might have wanted to. Mastering all the jumps was just too enthralling for someone as obsessive as Yuzuru. 

Brian is shorter then he expects. When they stand face to face like this, they are around the same height. He gives off a friendly vibe right away. His handshake is firm when they shake hands before sitting down. 

Brian doesn’t hesitate to ask the question everyone in the room was wondering, even though they had not directly asked Yuzuru, “Why me? Why would you want to be coached by me? You know you could really go anywhere. There are plenty of coaches with more experience than me, who would be more than thrilled to snatch up a skater like you.” 

Yuzuru wonders if he should say the real reason, and decides he should start off this potential relationship with as much honesty as he can muster. He makes use of the translator they have, not wanting to be misunderstood in such an important meeting. 

“It’s because of Javier Fernandez. I want to train with him. I witnessed how much he’s grown in the past season, how he put two consistent quads in his program and medalled at the Grand Prix Final. I want to win not just one Olympics, but two. I _have_ to. I know you understand the need to win, more than anyone, and I know we can do it together.” The translator takes a while, and Brian looks increasingly shocked and then Yuzuru can tell he is getting convinced.

He takes a moment to reply, then says, “I need time to consider. But I most of all need Javier’s approval before I take on another elite student.” 

Yuzuru nods and might even smile a little bit, and then replies in English, “Yes, please ask Javi first.” 

“ ‘Javi?’ I didn’t realize you two were close.” 

“We have.. Compete… What’s word?” He looks at the translator who thankfully offers him assistance at finding the right word, “Rivalry. We make bet in Rostelecom Cup.” He decides not to mention the sort of pact they made about being on the podium together from now on, or about the tea the other had given him. And of course he leaves out the note Javier taped to it. It’s not important, anyway. 

Brian shakes in laughter, “And who won?” Yuzuru crosses his arms and huffs and that’s enough for Brian to know the answer. 

They part ways with Brian assuring them he will get back with them as soon as possible. Yuzuru has a good feeling, and so does his mother. “He seems like a very nice and honest man. It’s a good sign he is asking his other skater’s permission first. That means he must genuinely care about the well-being of his students.” 

Yuzuru nods. He already knew that, just by watching the way Javier had acted this season as compared to the last, but it’s nice to be sure. 

His mother tells him not to get his hopes up. Brian still has to come to a decision and ask his student, she says. But Yuzuru knows Javier will most likely act like he doesn’t care and that Brian will say yes. He doesn’t know why he is so confident about this, but he somehow can feel it - he is going to Toronto, and he is going as soon as possible. 

 

His instinct is right, and before he can even properly say goodbye to all the trees still standing in Sendai he is on a plane to Toronto with all the headphones his mom would let him pack. 

The first few months are hard for both him and his mother. Both of them are struggling with just about everything. Brian does his best to help, but there’s only so much he can do with how busy he is. 

Eventually, they start to adapt, just like his mother promised they would. Now, their previously cold and barren Toronto apartment is starting to feel like a home. It’s patched together and still feels slightly empty , but it is theirs, and his pillows are comfortable after a long day of training. 

He expects Javier to keep his distance, to maybe even feel territorial in regards to Brian and the Cricket Club. But he is anything but. Yuzuru thinks he must be one of the nicest people he has ever met. Somehow, nothing about him seems fake. This is one thing that Yuzuru really can’t believe, and he can’t help but try and look for something false within the other. 

He of course fails at this. In fact studying the other all the time just makes Yuzuru admire him even more. In turn, he’s sure the other considers him a friend now, after months of banter and a handful of warm hugs. Yuzuru had fulfilled the part of the bet they’d made what seems like so long ago, and Javier’s triple axel looks the same, if he’s being honest, but it’s the thought that counts. 

Instead of the Plushenko and Yagudin type relationship he thought this was going to turn into, he gets a training mate and close friend that helps him up when he falls on his sixth failed quad salchow attempt in a row. 

The jump is one of the main reasons he came here but Brian only allowed him to practice it a very limited amount of times a week. While he understands why Brian is having him train skating skills, spins, and interpretation rather than jumping, his stubborn obsessive brain can’t seem to get the quad salchow out of it. 

He’d even complained to Javier about it many times as they sat in the cafeteria and ate lunch together. Today his mom had even packed Javier some food after he’d gushed to her about how good it was when Yuzuru had finally let him try some. Of course his mother loved Javier, as pretty much everyone seemed to. 

“You know he just wants you to build a good, strong foundation, for you to build a house on, or whatever.” 

“You sound exact like Brian.” It was still weird for Yuzuru to call him just ‘Brian’, but after the fifth time of him calling his coach ‘Mr. Orser’ he’d nearly screamed at him. Yuzuru hadn’t let it come out of his mouth ever since. 

“Well, you know he says things that make sense, sometimes. If he let you jump as much as you want, you’d break every bone in your body. You need working bones to win competitions. Remember that next time you complain.” 

Yuzuru huffs, but doesn’t reply, since he knows the other is right. 

But once Yuzuru gets the idea to do something, he just can’t stop himself. He convinces the janitor to let him make a copy of the key by telling him that Brian Orser himself told him he could. The older man must of been a fan, or really just didn’t care, because he caved very quickly. 

Before he can even check all the rooms to make sure they are empty (they must be, it’s already so late) he’s on the ice with his current favorite headphones in his ears. It doesn’t take him long to start jumping, warming up with a triple axel, then his now pretty trusty and reliable quad toe, then he is finally setting up for - 

“Yuzuru Hanyu! You better stop!” Oh, goddammit, so there was someone here, and that someone had a Spanish accent. He’d never heard the other raise his voice like that, and he had to admit he sort of sounded intimidating. Just a little bit.

He pulled out his headphones and tried his hardest to look innocent. Maybe the other hadn’t seen what he was about to do. “Stop what?” 

“Oh, stop playing stupid, I know the entrance to your quad salchow when I see it. I could already tell it was going to be off center, by the way. Do you know how dangerous it would have been if you’d fallen all by yourself in here?” 

“What, how you know it was off-center, I not even-” 

“Yuzu! That’s not the point, c’mon, why don’t you understand, this is so-” 

“Javier, stop being so drama, as long as Brian doesn’t find out, will be fine.” 

“I already called him. He’s on his way.” 

“You _what_?! Javier, you are supposed to be _friend_. How could you-”

“He wouldn’t be your friend if he wouldn’t have told me.” And there is the man he had definitely not wanted to know about his late night plans. Brian was standing at the edge of the rink, looking the angriest Yuzuru had ever seen him. Even angrier than when Javier had slept until two pm for a noon session, and his yells had almost cracked the ice that time. 

Despite him breaking the rules, he really did respect his coach, and he was already starting to cry just at the idea of being scolded by him. Tears had always come easily for Yuzuru, anyway. It wouldn’t be far off to call him a cry baby even. 

He thinks Javier notices he is crying, because he puts a hand on his shoulder, probably as an attempt to be comforting. Yuzuru basically throws it off and skates towards Brian, bowing his head pretty much the entire way. 

“I-I’m sorry. I know- I know it wrong, that you mad, but- I just- want to jump. So bad. It like, can’t even get it out of my head. I think, if can’t land this jump, next season, I’m going to fail. And I _can’t_ fail-“ 

“Yuzuru, shh, it’s okay, stop talking. I get it, alright? And yes, I am mad. Very mad, if I am being honest. But I do get it. I just don’t think you understand how dangerous it is to practice a jump you barely have any success rate at all alone like this. You won’t even have the chance to prove yourself next season if you get injured.” 

Yuzuru doesn’t say anything, and he just can’t stop crying, so he nods his head yes and avoids eye contact with his coach by looking down at the ice that seems to get him in so much trouble lately. 

“I’m going to leave now, because it is way past my bedtime, and I am going to trust that you will leave, as well. We will talk about this some more tomorrow. And _no_ jumping after I leave, understand?” He looks at Javier who has skated to stand a few feet behind him. “I trust that you will make sure of that, Javier.” 

Right when Brian leaves he doesn’t even look back at Javier and basically runs to the locker room, skates on and all. He knows the other is following him, but he ignores him and takes a seat to start removing his skates. The other sits right next to him. 

“Yuzu, I’m sorry for telling on you. But you have to understand, right?” He ignores him. The other continues. “I knew you wouldn’t have stopped if it was just me telling you. I had to tell Brian, and I think you know that, too. So, please, just talk to me, or even look at me.” 

Yuzuru does. He glares at him with all the hatred he can find within himself then finally speaks, “Get out. I not want to see you. And do me favor and never talk to me again.” 

He must sound like he means it because Javier does get out without saying another word. Once the other is gone, he finally lets himself cry, like really, truly sob. And it feels good until he realizes how mean he was to Javier, and how the other was probably never going to be his friend again after this. 

But that’s what he’d wanted, right? When he came here, he didn’t want a friend. He wanted a stone cold rival to challenge him in the most difficult of ways. Not warm hugs and hands and smiles. 

Yes, he’d done the right thing. 

But the next month goes by with them not talking even once, and Yuzuru comes to realize pretty quickly that he for sure did not do the right thing. He now has no one to talk to and his quad salchow has gotten even worse, as if that was even possible.

At this point Brian is getting fed up with both of them. “Whatever is going on with you and Javier, it needs to be resolved. It’s doing nothing but setting you both back in your training.” 

“I not know what you talk about. We are fine.” 

“Yeah, okay, lie to me and yourself all you want, but you and I both know this worked way better when you and Javier were on good terms.” 

It sucks because he knows his coach is right. He’s coming to the conclusion that Brian is normally correct regarding most things, so he tells himself that he is going to do it. He is going to apologize to Javier. 

But the thing about Yuzuru is that he is a very prideful human being. Almost to a self destructive extent he is beginning to learn the older he gets. Or maybe it isn’t his pride, but just the fact that he is a coward through and through. 

It’s not until they are leaving together for Finlandia Trophy that he decides it is now or never. He remembers the promise they made to each other to always share a podium and sucks it up. 

He convinces Brian to switch seats with him on the plane so that he can sit next to Javier, although Brian doesn’t take much convincing. He is probably relieved that Yuzuru seems to be making an effort to patch things up with Javier.

They sit in silence for what seems like forever, but really it has only been about ten minutes, before Yuzuru finally breaks the silence, turning his body towards Javier in his aisle seat on the airplane. “Javi. I want to say sorry. I being big baby child, and you were right entire time. I was being reckless. But I most of all sorry for what I say, and I really, really not mean it. You have to believe me.” 

Javier sighs and finally meets his eyes. “I know you didn’t mean it. And I’m sorry, too. I should have tried to talk to you about it instead of ignoring you like that.” 

“No, don’t say sorry. It all my fault. I ignored you, too, even though I wanted to tell you your triple axel looked really good in practice the other day.” 

“Well now you are just sucking up to me. That’s a total lie. Neither of us have done very well in practice lately.” Yuzuru laughs and has to completely agree with that, despite how painful it is for him.

“Maybe we need apologize to Brian, too. I think he has thousand more gray hairs because of us.” 

“Hey! I heard that, you brat.” Brian says from his seat just a few aisles ahead of them. The pair both break out in uncontrollable laughter, and Yuzuru admits to himself that he missed hearing the other laugh, and can also admit that he is extremely content when the other lets him rest his head on his shoulder for a long duration of the flight.

 

Yuzuru feels refreshed and motivated going into the short program, although he can’t deny how nervous he is to debut his new short program he has been working incredibly hard to master with his new choreographer Jeffrey Buttle. Jeffrey had come to him and Brian with this music that was so different from what Yuzuru was used to skating to and somehow it fit him so incredibly well. 

He had fun skating this program, which was never really the case for Yuzuru in the past, or at least so far in his senior career. He’d taken the more serious route so far, not really even considering the idea of doing something like electric guitar for his program. But, so far, it was going great in practice. Now it was just time to showcase what he’d been perfecting in practice during competition. 

This competition was one of great importance to Yuzuru personally, as well. One of his dreams ever since his love for figure skating formed was to someday compete on the same ice as his idol. And tonight, that dream was coming true. While he had met Johnny Weir a few times before it was different warming up on the same ice as him with the electric energy that laces the air during competitions. 

He could barely keep his legs steady during the warm-up, and afterwards, Javier didn’t keep it a secret how funny he found this. “What so funny?” 

“Y-You are.” The other says through laughter. “You could barely even skate out there because of _your lovely Johnny_.” 

“It not like that! I just admire his skating since really young, of course I nervous skating with him!” 

“ _Oooooh Johnny is gonna see this, better do as many triple axels as possible._ ” 

“ _Jaaaviii_! Stop make fun of me!” He basically cries, looking around to make sure no one can hear them but no one around seems to be listening and the music playing is too loud for anyone to really hear them, anyway. That is of course not counting Brian, who is sitting in the chair next to Javier. 

The other already knows the extent of his fanboying probably even better then Javier does. He had to listen to him basically fight with David Wilson about doing a Johnny inspired free skate this season until he had finally agreed to do _Notre Dame de Paris_ for him. 

“Alright, alright. Javi, that’s enough.” Their coach says, although Yuzuru glares at him for sounding amused by this. “But Yuzuru, he does have a point. Make sure you stay concentrated for this afternoon.” 

“I am very concentrate.” Javier scoffs out an _as if_ at that. “Maybe Javi need concentrate more, he one who teasing me.” 

“We’ll see about that after the short program, little Yuzu.” 

“Hey! What have I said about that name! My life already living hell with Japan teammates calling me that, don’t need friend Javi doing it too.” 

“Okay, noted.” Javier agrees and then reaches around him to pat his thigh. 

Yuzuru leans in to whisper, “I think Brian have few more gray hairs. See,” He points at their coaches hair, “Look, right there.” Javier laughs and then envelopes the other in a semi-hug turned shake of his entire body. 

Yuzuru smiles wide and is so, so glad they are back to normal. And it seems like they might even be better than normal. It’s almost like their fight had tightened the strings that seemed to hold them together. Yuzuru pictured the strings to be red and too look thin, but to not even waver every time he reaches out to touch them. He imagines it would take a saw in order to cut them completely. 

They’d shared the Finlandia Trophy podium like they’d promised they would, and it was a joyous experience for both of them, Yuzuru coming in first and Javier in third. He’d also successfully watched Johnny compete with stars in his eyes while trying to tune out Javier laughing at him. 

 

The strings get thicker and grow into a deeper shade of red as the year passes in a disastrous, in Yuzuru's mind, season. Both his mother and coach would disagree with him on this, considering the world records for the short program he had broken and the silver medal he had been able to snatch at the Grand Prix Final. 

It had been a good eighteenth birthday present, but it ached to know he could’ve done better. 

“What do you mean, you could’ve done better? At least you _got_ a medal.” Javier sounds exasperated with him and Yuzuru understands why. 

“Wish Javi get a medal, too. I like most when you with me on podium.” 

“Well I’ll make sure to do better next time, just for you.” He says sarcastically. “But wait, I got you something. I know your birthday was a few days ago, and well, you are always wearing those necklaces, so.” He pulls out a long box and hands it to him. 

“Oh, Javi, you really not have to get me anything, and this looks really nice-“ 

“Yuzu shut up and just open it. You are finally turning eighteen, of course I got you something.” 

Yuzuru doesn’t take much convincing before he tore it open. And it looks even nicer than he thought. Usually he wears more blue and green stones on his jewelry, but this has a beautiful warm sapphire colored stone attached by two black strings. Somehow, it reminds him of Javier, and he can’t wait to start wearing it. 

“Javi!! I really love this, thank you.” 

Javier looks pleased. “I’m glad. Need help putting it on?” He asks as the other looks like he is struggling with the clasp. Yuzuru nods, and Javier’s fingers seem shaky as he takes the two pieces from his fingers and clasps them together. 

 

Nationals comes and goes in a hailstorm of overwhelming joy followed by undeniable and almost tangible dread. He had imagined being here last year, at the top of the podium, a gold medal around his neck - but he didn’t imagine the part where he felt like he didn’t deserve it. The medal felt like it weighed a thousand pounds around his neck and felt hot as lava when he touched it. 

The crowd threatened to swallow him whole. Daisuke was meant to win this, it wasn’t his time, and the crowd obviously felt the same. It didn’t matter that he had scratched and scraped his way to the top of this podium with sheer will. 

Maybe now he understood what Daisuke had meant last year about him being naive. He definitely felt naive now, as he held back tears that felt as hot and heavy as the medal around his neck. 

He couldn’t even look at Daisuke, the man he felt he stole this from, until the other basically forced him to with a hand on his chin. “I wish they wouldn’t have done that to you. Yuzuru, you deserved that win, no matter what anybody says. They don’t matter.” 

“If they don’t matter, what does, Daisuke?” 

He points at the cursed medal around his neck. “This does. And it’s yours, it probably will be for awhile. So please, don’t feel pity for me, that’s when I’ll know I’m actually getting old.” 

Yuzuru laughs but he feels hollow. 

But it all seemed to fade in comparison to his just off the podium finish at Worlds. He’s being a hypocrite by being slightly upset that Javier was able to get on it while he wasn’t. Javier was always nothing but happy for him when he succeeded, even before they considered themselves friends. 

This is just proof to Yuzuru that Javier was on a whole different level of kind. Maybe it was that Yuzuru just wasn’t mentally built to lose, but it was more likely that the other was just a whole nother breed of human that sometimes shone too bright for Yuzuru to look at without squinting his eyes. 

He even wants to physically fight Javier when he attempts to talk to him after he had received his small bronze medal for his placement in the free skate. 

“So we are back to trading third-fourths, huh?”

“I not in mood for joke, Javier.” He rarely ever calls the other by his full name anymore, but he does today, since he wants the other to know he really is not in the mood. 

“Ooh, ‘ _Javier_ ’? Ouch, that really hurts, Hanyu.” 

Yuzuru tries not to smile, he really does, but he can’t help and not only smile but laugh pretty loudly. Javier looks pleased, and even attempts to take the medal Yuzuru still has around his neck and put it around his own. Yuzuru even lets him for a second, before he shoves the other in the shoulder and takes it back. 

Standing there side by side in a room full of people, Yuzuru realizes with an electric jolt that he seems to really not be able to stay angry at Javier. 

He wonders what exactly that means. 

Yuzuru starts to wonder a lot of things during the summer shows before the start of the Olympic season. Like if he will have enough time to catch the gold medal he had come all the way to Toronto in an attempt to chase, and if a medal like that will feel hot and heavy around his neck. 

But he also finds himself wondering how Javier seems to light up whole arenas with his eyes and smile, and why he is just now noticing. He wonders why the other’s hand has never felt hot and heavy in his like his first national gold medal had, and if this meant he’d been living life the wrong way all this time. 

But then he pulls up the picture of the Sochi gold medal he has saved and his brain switches gears right away. 

Instead of wondering about hands and smiles and eyes he puts all of his energy into convincing David to choreograph his long program to Romeo and Juliet. It’s something he knows he needs to skate to, and that is exactly what he writes in his email to the choreographer, all in the most dramatic way he can possibly come up with. 

Javier helps him with his grammar, even though his could be better, too. “Do you really want to skate to this music that bad? I mean ‘I have to or I will die’ seems a little dramatic, even for you.” Javier asks him, the glow of Yuzuru’s laptop lighting up his face beautifully in the dimly lit hotel room. “And Yuzu, you really don’t need this music to win. You could probably win with other music, if you tried hard enough.” 

“I know being dramatic, but.. It important music to me, really.” 

“But why?” Yuzuru gets this far off look in his eyes, and Javier must notice. “I mean, if it’s too personal, you don’t have to tell me.” 

“No, no it’s okay. I want tell you. When I first skate this music, it brought back love for skating, sort of. Made me realize I could keep skating, I guess. After earthquake I almost quit. But then I start doing ice shows in order to keep practicing, and Coach Nanami choreograph this program for me, and it’s almost like skating held meaning, again. Maybe that’s why I want to skate it at Olympics, because it reminds me of those times. I want hometown to know I haven’t forgotten even though it has seemed like I ran away.” 

Javier pulls his chair closer to his and wipes one of the thousand degree tears from his cheek. His hand feels just the right temperature on his skin, and Yuzuru all of sudden feels foolish. “I’m sorry always crying.” 

“Yuzuru, you know you don’t have to apologize to me. This is what friends are for.” 

_This is what friends are for_ , is another thing for Yuzuru to wonder about, as David goes over the choreography for his new program a month later. He had plenty of friends back home, but none of their hands felt like Javi’s, and none of their smiles lit up arenas all on their own.

The music is the more classical version of Romeo and Juliet, and this time Yuzuru plays with the idea of being Juliet rather then the Romeo he’d been at age sixteen. David looks thoughtful when he finally conveys this to him and he seems inspired for the first time that day. “Interesting, Yuzuru. I’m going to make a few changes to the choreography.” 

He does, and now Yuzuru starts to feel inspired, as well. He’s not the same as he was almost three years ago, but the music was like a time travelling device, throwing him back to the mindset he had when Nanami had first introduced the program to him. When he’d put his whole heart on his sleeve to get scratched and scraped by cold, rock hard ice for the first time. Now he thinks there’s nothing much left of it to put on his Johnny Weir designed sleeve. 

They take careful steps when designing his free skate costume. Each stone is picked to bring good luck and each piece of fabric must feel right against his skin. It takes a plethora of fittings till it feels just right, and it doesn’t matter that it’s Johnny’s work he is altering, because this is important. It’s the Olympics, after all. 

With the Olympics comes a lot of sacrifices, Yuzuru has found. He spends less time talking to Javier or any of his Japanese teammates, and more time picking through all the possible scenarios of what could go wrong or right in February. 

Javier does manage to get him to eat with him in the cafeteria instead of on the bench he has been eating on lately. He looks concerned as he sits down across from him, Yuzuru notices, but keeps eating anyway. “Yuzu. You seem distant lately. Is everything okay?” 

“Everything fine. Just concentrate. Quad salchow still not consistent, still tired after most run throughs, and I keep messing up combo in short.” There’s more he could say, but doesn’t. Javier is still his competitor, even though he also might consider him his best friend. This doesn’t change the fact that the gold medal could slip right through his own fingers and into Javier’s during the right scenario. 

“Is shutting everyone out going to make your quads consistent? Because that is what you are doing.” 

“Maybe it will, maybe it not, but I’m not about to find out what happens if I start slacking off. Some of us actually dedicate whole lives to getting gold.” Yuzuru’s words have an edge to them, and he swears he’s not trying to attack Javier, but he can’t help but be defensive. He knows it probably won’t help and that when he lets Javier in he is more likely to succeed, but he can’t help but be scared of bright smiles and eyes and hands fitting perfectly around his waist. 

“I’m not the one with a shitty quad sal and a stuck up attitude.” Javier is seething at this point, but Yuzuru doesn’t respond. He just counts the grains of rice on his plate. “You know one day people are going to get sick of chasing after you and finally give up, and then you are going to be left with nothing. People aren’t just going to be there for you only when you want them to.” 

Yuzuru grinds his teeth and fights off hot tears, because the other had gotten it completely correct. He wondered how the other could figure out the fears he kept buried deep below his ribcage and shout them in a pure white cafeteria like it was nothing. 

That was the last time he’d really talked to Javier. Now they were both practicing as hard as they could at opposite sides of the rinks. Brian didn’t notice their fight this time, or at least didn’t mention it. 

It’s almost like Yuzuru had succeeded at cutting the thick red strings connecting them with the saw he had mentioned earlier. Yuzuru told himself he was glad. Ecstatic, even. But the truth was, he felt hollow, like Japanese nationals level hollow. He knocked and knocked but all he could hear was emptiness. So he filled that barren space with jumps, spins, and the story of Juliet. 

But at one point it all built up until a few hours before the short program at the Grand Prix Final when he finally realized that Javi wasn’t there to pick up the pieces like usual. Javier was right when he told him he only used people when he needed them. Now, he had no one, because Javi hadn’t made it to the GPF this season. 

He had been so stupid and selfish. He didn’t deserve his spot, because he really couldn’t have come this far without Javier, who he had pushed so far out with brick walls he’d secretly wished the other tried a little harder to push down. 

“Yuzu, are you alright in there?” He heard Brian call him from the other side of the bathroom door. His Mother must have let the other into their hotel room after her many failed attempts at getting him to talk. 

He doesn’t want to be rude, so he opens the door. “I’m fine.” 

“You and I both know that’s not true. Practice starts in twenty minutes and you aren’t even dressed yet.” Yuzuru fiddles with his necklace and stares at his shoeless feet. 

“Is it about the free skate? Are you that nervous? Because you shouldn’t be, we’ve talked about this, you’ve done the training necessary to win. You are many points ahead-” 

“It not about skate. I mean, kind of is, I _am_ nervous- but it’s not, I just-” 

“Is it Javier?” Yuzuru’s gaze jerks up from the floor to look at Brian, wide eyes and gaping mouth. “Oh c’mon Yuzu, I wasn’t born yesterday, and I actually do own a pair of working eyes. Everyone at the rink knows you two aren’t getting along.” 

“It’s just… I very concentrate, on Olympics, on _winning_ Olympics. So much that I can’t even keep friends. I just don’t know… how? But I do know I need to apologize to Javi. I need him. But he say I only use people when I need them. And it’s true! I do it right now. I wanted to call him, because panic in bathroom about free skate, and-” 

“Yuzuru.” He puts a hand on his shoulder. “You know all you have to do is apologize to him and he will forgive you right away. You and I both know that kid spoils you.”

Yuzuru nods, refusing to let the tears in his eyes drop. “Okay.” 

“And this is one more piece of advice I have for you: don’t get impatient. Even if things are so tangled up you can’t do anything, don’t get desperate or blow a fuse and start yanking on one particular thread before it’s ready to come undone. You have to figure it’s going to be a long process and that you’ll work on things slowly, one at a time. Relationships are the same as skating - you must have a strong foundation. Now let’s go before your mom gets even more worried.” 

“Thank you, Brian.” He really does mean it. 

Yuzuru wins the whole event but feels nothing but regret for the shambles that were left of his life back in Toronto and the urgent need to mold it into something salvageable. The gold medal felt good around his neck, sure, but he thinks having Javier by his side would have felt way better. 

 

“Javi, we need talk.” The other keeps walking. “ _Please._ ” 

“Why?” He finally stops and looks at him. “So you can rub it in my face that your methods won you gold while mine didn’t even get me a spot?” 

“N-No, that’s not at all what I want to say. I say I’m sorry. So, so sorry. I could not have.. I wouldn’t have been…” Yuzuru sighs and runs a hand through his hair in exasperation. Just because he knows what he wants to say in his head doesn’t mean it’s going to come out the way he’s intending. 

He grabs Javier’s left hand instead and is sad when he realizes it’s covered by a glove. The warmth seeping through gives him the confidence he needs to continue, though. 

“I wouldn’t have been able to achieve anything without you. A-And you right. I do push people away, I am selfish, I only let you in when it’s beneficial for me, and that wrong. That’s _not_ what friends for. I-I never been good friend to you.” 

“Yuzu, stop, that’s not completely true.” 

“No, stop, it _is_ true. I always mad when you beat me, but if I beat you, expect you to be happy for me as always. I always crying and never give you chance to.” He’s crying now, and Javier’s gloved hand moves to wipe the tears from his cheek. He’s glad the hallway they are in is empty now, since they had both stayed way too late that night. 

“See?” Yuzuru chuckles. “Even crying now.”

“Yuzu, I never meant what I said, I know you just have walls built up. It’s not your fault. You just feel like you owe them a gold medal, it’s understandable that you would do whatever you think is necessary to get it. I was the one being selfish calling you out on it. You don’t owe me anything.”

“But _Javi_ , I do owe you. So much. I think about this whole Grand Prix Final, how much you have helped me. So I got you a gift while in Japan.” He reaches into his backpack and pulls out a small cube shaped container. 

Brian had said the other would forgive him, but he wanted to make sure the other knew his apology was sincere. He’d gone out their last day in Japan, telling his mom he just wanted to take a look at the shops. He had no idea what he wanted to get the other until he’d passed the watch shop his mother always used to take him to. Yuzuru remembers being very small looking eye level at the watches in the glass and staring in awe as she picked one out for his father. 

“I-I know you have a lot of them, but think that’s why you might actually use it. I get Spanish flag engraved, because I know you miss home, too. If you don’t like it, I kept the receipt, so -” 

“Yuzuru, shut up. I _love_ it. But… why? You’re the one who just had a birthday. Why would you spend money to get me a watch?” 

“I just spend time telling you why. I not be able to do this without you, idiot. And I think, now you know I really sincere. Not just use you.” Yuzuru huffs, avoiding eye contact with the other. “Now, do you forgive me?” 

“I kind of already did. Like the moment I left the cafeteria.” Javier laughs, and Yuzuru isn’t going to lie and say he didn’t start crying a little bit more at the sound of it.

But through his tears he sees something that makes him wipe the liquid from his eyes like his life depends on it. Because in a way, it sort of does, to some degree. Because he swears he sees the date he has become so acquainted with for the last three years tattooed on Javier’s wrist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!!!!! fun drinking game for you and your friends: take a shot every time yuzu cried! we love a cry baby goat.. anyway uhhh i tried to stay true to real events for the most part, hope i kind of succeeded? i know it was a lot but please tell me what you thought! have a great christmas if you celebrate it uwu ;; 
> 
> part two coming some time next year!

**Author's Note:**

> okay so, yes. it's a soulmate au. i've always wanted to write one despite how ~cliche~ they are. i already have about 17k of this written yet i'm not even halfway done with it hahaha but i've decided to post this prologue as some sort of incentive for me to keep writing. please let me know if it made sense and if you would even like to read the rest of the slow burn garbage i have prepared! also my plan for this is to split it into two big giant parts + epilogue. but don't hold me to that, i crumble under pressure :).


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